tagged as
# personal
# thoughts
# love
# relationship
# relationships
# i love you
# in love
# this hurts
# don't go
# you are everything
# i fell for you
# god
# sweet
# pain
# heartbreak
# heartache

I didn’t fall for you. 

     I fell into you.

               what a terrible way to get a concussion.

tagged as
# personal
# thoughts
# venting
# ranting
# rant
# vent

Haven’t been around for a while, I know. I’m sorry. I was always so busy with The Charleston Underground, I just kind of never had time for personal stuff, unlike others involved.

A bit of ranting, or maybe not so much ranting but more like venting, is in order.

It’s been a crazy month. Hell, 2013 has been a crazy year. A crazy, wonderful, chaotic, horrible and just all around interesting year. Loves found, loves lost. All because, I guess being 25 makes you realize that sometimes you just don’t have the energy or time to dedicate to another person. Which is fine, but also lonesome.

As of yesterday, I have officially bowed out of The Charleston Underground. It’s been coming for quite a long time. The past month, I haven’t been as active and most people could tell. As the Charleston Underground had taken a turn to only caring about Jessica’s boyfriend’s open mic night. All other events and things, I covered. I photographed. I searched the internet for events. I mingled. I made flyers. I kept up with bands. I networked. While Jessica and Donnie were busy playing house, I was keeping things alive. I got sick of it. I got sick of doing the work of three people. So, I just stuck to taking photos and videos, and even then, that was scarce. 

I did this as a test, though. I did this to see if Jessica gave a shit enough to pick up slack. This was, actually, the second time I’ve pulled back my duties for CHUG, and both times she let the whole thing go. Then would turn around and bitch as to why we don’t have as many people following or interacting with CHUG. That’s due to her own selfishness. Starting a business, you HAVE to be selfless. Hell, starting ANY new big project, you have to be selfless. You have to dedicate A LOT of time with it. Put some of your personal bullshit on hold. Like boyfriends. There’s going to be a lot of sleepless, long nights and early mornings. You’re going to be stretched thin. But, that’s what you signed up for. That’s what I signed up for, 100%. And for the last two or three months, I was one of the only ones pulling my weight. 

I’m not saying that Charleston Underground can’t or wouldn’t survive without me - although quite a few people, including 2 others who have also jumped ship “before they were taken down in the CHUG flames” have expressed they’ve been waiting since about March to see CHUG implode - I’m just saying that no one will ever be as dedicated and true to a project as I was. Two of us spoke earlier and agreed that we didn’t want our names tied to the negativity and contempt Jessica has so proudly expressed for the people who follow and support CHUG. And that’s exactly what her little personal blog stunt was all about. Her, her, her. Don’t get it twisted. She just recently got a job. Hasn’t worked in months. But, seemingly only had time for CHUG when covering her boyfriend’s open mic night. Which, is inexcusable. Either do it 100% or don’t do it at all. There is no in between with something like this. 

She expected every one of us to do the dirty work and she take all credit for it. And that’s not how a collaborative project goes. You pull your own weight. Sure, some people need a break. I get that. I’ve had to take a few days away to deal with family things. But, don’t think CHUG wasn’t constantly on my mind. 

There’s a lot of inner workings to how things were run that just shouldn’t have been. For instance, picking and choosing what local band or artist to support, while at the same time choosing not to support others because of personal preference. If you’re doing something to represent a whole scene, you simply CANNOT tie in your personal feelings to that. This includes them wanting to start a war with another local open mic host and her swearing up and down she would never attend another show or support a certain local band - who I am friends with. Despite her obvious personal feelings towards these two groups - among others - I still chose to follow them and keep up-to-date with them. After all, they ARE part of the scene. Whether she likes it or not. And she cannot control the scene, no matter how much her ego likes to think she can. 

One former supporter/follower of CHUG, who I’ve never met or even talked to, messaged me about two or three hours ago. They had read my public explanation. They felt like they should offer me congratulations and expressed they weren’t following CHUG since early February. When suddenly the CHUG page was less about Charleston and mostly about Open Mic. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good open mic. I still support it. I will always go and support my friends and artists performing. Especially those who want me to come out to photograph/video them. I hold NO grudges against open mic or the venue where this particular open mic is being held. I do hold negative feelings for Jessica and how CHUG completely lost sight of where it was going. And most people feel like CHUG is seeing its final days. I don’t know if necessarily agree, but we’ll see.

I do know CHUG has lost a lot of respect from people, business and other organizations in and around Charleston for the turn it took. Especially yesterday with airing her personal dirty laundry on the CHUG page. CHUG is not hers. It’s Charleston’s. That’s what we said from the beginning. Her ego took control. She thinks she’s infallible and that now she can do and say whatever she wants on CHUG and get away with it.

I had one person come to me yesterday and say, “Hey. We didn’t ask you guys to start CHUG. You guys did it yourself. We were fine without you. Why are you guys blaming us [artists and musicians] for your lack of sleep?” This took me by surprise. And actually hurt me quite deep. I apologized so deeply. I told him that the things she said were not things I felt. That yeah, I had put in a lot of long hours and often times missed out on good sleep, but this is what I loved and that despite any headache or muscle ache or carpal tunnel, I would NEVER ever blame the artists and musicians of Charleston. Ever. The only person I could blame would be myself for being so dedicated. And even then, I wouldn’t blame myself. I knew up front from the get-go what I was getting into. And I was prepared to tackle it. He thanked me and said he’s relieved to hear that not everyone in The Charleston Underground felt resentment towards them, the artists. The driving force behind the Charleston music and art scene. 

That was that for me. A nearly two-month long deliberation had come to a head. I was done. I absolutely refused to have my name tied with a group that gave off negative vibes and obvious contempt for the ONE thing they were suppose to keep positive and support.

And then I felt a great sense of resentment swell inside of me for Jessica. Why did *I* have to be the one to clean up her mess? Why was *I* the one having smooth things over with people? I shouldn’t have been. She should have been. And then it dawned on me. There’s been several times I’ve come to her with concerns from others who have come to me about. Her direct responses were: “Well if they have a problem with how I run things, tell them to stfu.” “Fuck it, I don’t care.” “Fuck them.” And my personal favorite, “I’m tired of people.”

At one point she said, “I don’t know what’s up with you lately playing the middleman but you need to fucking quit.” I DIDN’T CHOOSE TO BE THE MIDDLEMAN. EVER. People came to me. They know I’m approachable. They know I listen. They know I care. And there was one time that I told one of these people to talk to her and they said straight up, “She ignored me. That’s why I came to you.” Even another person said they didn’t find Jessica as approachable at all. That she constantly look pissed by having to be out anywhere for an event and they straight didn’t want to burden her further.

If you give off the impression that you’re burdened by something, if you give off the impression you don’t like what you do, people aren’t going to be receptive to you. That’s why, no matter where I am or for what event, I try to socialize. Meet the people I represent. Talk to them. Get close with them. Buy them a drink. Take a shot with him. Give them a hug goodbye. Give them my personal number. I’m there to represent and support these people and what they do. Although, I’m not directly one of them, I *am* a part of them. Jessica doesn’t want that. She wants them to come to her and other people do the work while she reaps the benefits and rewards and, for lack of a better term, fame.

In this business of arts, music and entertainment, you HAVE to put in face time. Everywhere. It’s not just as simple as wearing a shirt with The Charleston Underground on it, or a “press badge”. You’ve gotta get out there and actually BE a part of the scene before you can be IN the scene. And I’ve been putting face time in the scene since before I moved to Virginia. In fact, on and off since I turned 21 and could get into the venues legally. And I know there’s people that have been putting in face time for 10 or more years. And it’s what you’ve gotta do. 

At any rate, give a person like that the rope, and they’ll hang themselves. 

With all my time being consumed with CHUG, I really haven’t had time to focus on my personal life. A bunch of other failed relationships because they felt like they weren’t important to me. Which, after the fact, they know wasn’t true. But, I understand their frustrations.

But, I suppose with the end of my time with CHUG, brings chances for me to take a step back and focus on me. Get some things in my life in order. And then it’s onto another the next endeavors a few of us have already in the works. 

But, for the next week or two. I’m going to focus on me. Sorting through some stuff and get back on track with my own thing. I think I may even take Haven (my car) and drive up to Pittsburgh for a weekend and just get away. Clear my head. When I went to Wheeling with MG, it was such a breath of fresh air. Seeing a new place. Meeting new people. Charleston will always be my home and my heart. But, I do have a wanderlust. And it needs to be seen to. Especially before I begin a new project. I gotta go in with a fresh pair of eyes and a clean heart. And it will be done. 

At any rate, I’ve been rambling on. It was needed. We’ll see where things go. I have high hopes for the future and I’m stoked to see what happens.