You boil my blood.
The mere thought of you turns my stomach into a prehistoric playground of pterodactyls.
I can feel my pupils dilate at the very sight of you.
Due to this uncontrollable happening, I want to wear sunglasses 24/7 to avoid giving myself away.
I still remember how your short, prickly hair feels running under my fingernails as I pull your head in tightly to kiss me harder.
The beat of my unbalanced fan spinning on the highest settings is reminiscent of your heartbeat.
Which, let’s be honest, only beat that way when I’d lay on your tired chest.
I vaguely recall how your calloused fingertips felt on the back of my bare legs and how each stroke gave me mountains of piled up goosebumps upon goosebumps.
You’d wear a common, drugstore cologne which, if worn by any other lover, would make me sick.
And when I’m at the grocery store at half past noon, I smell it on 30 different other men
… and I still wish each one were you.
I want you to know I kept track of every tired, 4am kiss.
And that you are not a familiar thing anymore,
But you still boil and burn my blood.
It’s weird, you know, that for every relationship that I’ve been truly invested in, I have a song that represents that relationship. Like, it can be two days or two years after the relationship has ended and I can listen to that song and instantly be taken back to what I felt then.
# forever alone
# love of self
# in love
# break up
# you need to love yourself
# love yourself
# all you need is love
i dont need or want a boyfriend to make me feel good about myself. having a boyfriend is going to solve nothing. i am the one who needs to learn to love myself im not going to go around trying to find somebody else to do that when its my job to do it myself
this is so true and i wish i felt this way but idk if i ever will
This is so unbelievably true. After tying my whole identity to an emotionally and physically abusive 5-year relationship and marriage, I didn’t know how to function being alone. I didn’t know how to create my own happiness. It took a long time in therapy to learn that the love from another does not define you. It does not make you who you are. You define you. Society still teaches girls that you are nothing without love and it is implied that means the love from a significant other—be it a boyfriend/husband or girlfriend/wife.What is not so popularly instilled in girls, especially from my generation (born in the late 80’s - early 90’s) is that the love that DOES define you is the love you have for yourself.
To lose yourself completely in another human being is not healthy. For someone to expect you to lose yourself in them is not healthy.
Yes, love and relationships are completely healthy things to want. Yes, it’s okay to strive to better yourself and your partner TOGETHER to not only be good to each other, but to be good to those around you. But, to only be able to find happiness when you find a significant other is dangerous.
That’s what’s so depressing to me when I see my friends who do a complete 180 when they find a boyfriend. Suddenly, everything is solved. Absolutely be happy in your relationship. Absolutely find joy in your partner. Absolutely be stoked as shit to find someone you love and care for. But. Romantic love IS NOT a solution. Love is just one of those beautiful things that make everyday problems a little easier to deal with. Like cake.
That’s not to say that you shouldn’t love with your whole heart or you should brush off love. Or that you shouldn’t fight like hell to keep good love when you find it, because you should. You absolutely should be grateful and pleased and elated with love. Everyday. But, not just for romantic love. I’m talking all shapes of love. Family love. Love of self. Love of your friends. Love of the autumn air. Love for your pet. Love for your hobby. Love for your favorite song. Love of cake. And yes, love for your partner.
But, never, ever, ever, ever be defined by any one form of love. Be defined by all love. Most importantly love of self. Love of self when you’re alone or when you surrounded by people. Love of self when you’re feeling so hopeless all you can do is cry. Because within falling in love with yourself, you open the doors to a healthy form of love to everything else.
To me, “all you need is love” is not mutually exclusive to romantic love. I’d try to elaborate, but if you’re getting anything I’ve said, you’ll understand what I mean.
(Please note I’m a bottle of wine deep and my favorite song by Bon Iver is playing and it’s a quarter past midnight on a Tuesday and this probably doesn’t make much sense at all. But, I tried.)
# daughter love
|Played 477 times|
I can’t forget it, though I’ve tried.
# girls suck
# i suck
# everything sucks
# everyone sucks
# girl logic
# prince charming
# fuck my life
girl logic: forever trying to turn the Beast into Prince Charming.
# duchenne muscular dystrophy
# duchenne foot
# muscular dystrophy
# in love
# wrong time
# right person
# my person
# question for tumblr
# when is the right time
what can you do when you meet the right person at the wrong time?
# e e cummings
# e. e. cummings
# i like my body
# i like my body when it is with your
# ryan o'connell
# somebody loves you
“Somebody loves you if they call you out on your bullshit. They’re not passive, they don’t just let you get away with murder. They know you well enough and care about you enough to ask you to chill out, to bust your balls, to tell you to stop. They aren’t passive observers in your life, they are in the trenches. They have an opinion about your decisions and the things you say and do. They want to be a part of it; they want to be a part of you.” — Ryan O’Connell
Let’s just talk about how true this is. People who call me out on my bullshit are very important to me. I can’t be around people who let me get away with shit or let me run all over them. And let’s just talk about how my two best friends do exactly this for me everyday. There have been exactly three people who have called me on my bullshit in my life. I’m blessed to have had that.
# virgo sun
# virgo love
# virgo woman
# solar virgo
# virgo relationship
Virgo Woman… She doesn’t show her passions to you, but on the inside, the emotions are surging. The Virgo woman often appears to be calm and even untouchable, but deep down, she is one of the most conflicted signs of all the Astrology signs. Virgo Woman doesn’t trust emotions. She feels that they represent the sea, unknown, to which she may bet set to sail with no map or rudder or compass. Men, for this reason, may think a Virgo woman cold, but alas, she is not. Her passions will pour out once her feelings have been unlocked. Virgo women are often misjudged as timid, evasive and reserve, when in reality they have self-possession and a sense of passion that is controlled by discipline. As Virgo is an Earth sign (alongside Taurus and Capricorn), she is an enigmatic combination of sensuality and conservatism. Virgo ladies like men/women but are very careful about allowing themselves to become too involved with them.. Her body and eyes may say “come close to me” but her mannerisms put up a hard shield in order to remain protected. Virgo women would never be obvious about her feelings for a man/woman. She KNOWS she’s worth the trouble. She also fears being trapped in the wrong long-term relationship and homestead. Before she enters a meaningful affair (or marries), she makes sure to note every exit door. Virgo woman fall in love slow, moving forward step-by-step and revealing her layers of her deep sensitivity… learning to trust.
# sun sign
# solar sign
impulsive and immature are trademarks of an Aries. Be prepared to take wild adventures at a moment’s notice and be prepared to understand that every idea is THEIR idea. They won’t want to take a mature path, instead they’d rather stay out all night and sleep all day. And yes, they DO need that $150 water gun. You don’t understand.
Contrarily: An Aries’ impulsiveness and jovial, child-like attitude can offer a lot of light weight fun and playful memories to put into your photo album. Hell yeah, you guys had a giant water gun fight in the middle of the afternoon!
probably one of the most possessive signs in the Zodiac, be prepared to not share anything with a Taurus. Including you. You are theirs and no one else’s. They are also rather lazy and indulgent. It’ll take some serious pushing to get them to go out if their shoes are already off, if they didn’t just go ahead and crawl in bed fully clothed because it’s just simply too much work to change their clothes.
Contrarily: your Taurus’ possessiveness can make their lover feel like the most important thing in the world. They are stubborn in their love, so if you suspect your Taurus of cheating, it’s probably all in your head. They’re too lazy to juggle more than one lover, anyway.
Due to their multiple personalities, Geminis are unlikely to know what they want. And if they do know what they want, prepare for that to change without notice or regards to you. The least likely to commit, don’t bank on actually keeping a Gemini’s attention for too long. Instant gratification is usually the best approach when it comes to Gemini.
Contrarily: you will always be surprised with your Gemini. With the multiple layers of their split personality, if you’re feeling like staying inside on a Friday night, you may luck out and find your Gemini is cool with that, too. So long as you agree to go out on Saturday.
moody, moody, moody, moody. If you can withstand serious bouts of lows, anger and just general Cancer crabbiness, then when they do have an up day, it may be worth it.(But, don’t you DARE point out that they’re being a pain, they’re incredibly sensitive to even the slightest of criticism.)
Contrarily: their sensitive nature makes them a very nurturing and appeasing lover. It’s not about the fancy positions, it’s about the emotion and connection with their lover. When you find your Cancer having a good day, it’s so pleasant and fun you forget how moody they can get.
the one thing Leos love more than praise is themselves. Leos believe the world revolves around them and if you are not making them your complete world, they have no time for you. At first glance, your Leo may appear strong and steadfast, but that is simply not so. They need constant reassurance and dedication to them before they’ll even THINK about warming up to you. Praise them a lot and praise them frequently and your Leo may just return your love.
Contrarily: your Leo is definitely someone you want to take home to your parents. They will be so pleased with your pick, that your Leo will be a boastful and attentive lover when dinner is done, even showering you with a gift or two to show their affection.
if there’s even one picture frame out of place, don’t expect to get a Virgo’s attention until it is corrected. Virgos are very nitpicky and stubborn when it comes to themselves and the ones they love. Be wary of their pessimism, though. As much as a Virgo tries to see it otherwise, often times the cup isn’t just half empty, it’s bone dry. If they don’t feel appreciated, they may react as if the world is ending. Also be prepared to understand a Virgo will try to put everything and everyone at top priority. Which may leave you feeling unloved or unwanted. Your Virgo partner may just need to be reminded that you require their attention, too. Virgos have a long trail of previous lovers who never felt important to their Virgo and often claim their Virgo never actually loved them. If you show your Virgo the appreciation they desire, problems shouldn’t arise too frequently. Virgos are very matter-of-fact about things. Thus, they prefer to connect on a physical level and do not focus too long on the pesky emotional stuff. When things get too emotional, they tend to freak.
Contrarily: due to Virgo’s attention to detail and their need to please, you will find yourself receiving more pleasure than you’ll have to give. Simple to please romantically, they do not require tokens of affection in the form of elaborate gifts or date ideas. Odds are, they’d want to stay in and watch movies and have sex all night, anyway.
very indecisive, you’re lucky if you can get them to decide which shirt to wear before even TACKLING the thought of where to go out to eat. So make your dinner date plans days in advance because there are a lot of options your Libra need to weigh before making a final decision. Libras are VERY focused on the outside appearance. They want their lives to seem perfect and their physical appearance to seem even more perfect. If you don’t fall into their ideal of what should be, prepare to be tossed aside. Superficiality is strong with Libras and are not afraid to spend hours upon hours primping and prepping, if only just to go to the market to pick up milk.
Contrarily: a Libra’s need for balance will often find themselves sacrificing themselves for the sake of balance, so if you’re steadfast on your point, odds are your Libra will eventually let you win just to restore the peace and balance between you two.
the last person in the world you want to cross is a Scorpio. Yes, they still remember your first fight and they are STILL mad about it. But, you already knew that (they made sure of that). Scorpios also posses very strong powers of manipulations. They can cheat on you with the whole apartment complex, but by the end of the fight you’ll think it was completely and totally your fault. Bad moods are not just a quick passing for a Scorpio. It is an endless spiral of darkness and despair. And everyone around them will be affected by these events.
Contrarily: a Scorpio will be steadfast in their devotion to you. If they love you, you can rest assured that they will stand by you even when you’re wrong. Scorpio’s attention may seem a little spastic from time to time, but rest assured the focus comes back. Most likely sign to openly take multiple lovers, the new excites your Scorpio. If you’re interested in a threesome, your Scorpio lover is the person to do it with!
be prepared to have your Sagittarius teach you what growing a thick skin really is. They are often times tactless and hurtful when being honest, to the point that appreciating their honesty is almost impossible because they made it feel like such a personal attack. They will stop at nothing to be right and firmly believe that their belief system is the only way of believing. If you aren’t prepared to go on a wild adventure like rock climbing or sky diving, your date ideas will probably bore your Sagittarius.
Contrarily: you can rest assured that your Sag will never lie to you. What they say is true to the death, even if they may have hurt your feelings in the process of being honest. They are not wild lovers, but what they lack in the bedroom, they make up for it on their date with you with creative ideas and gifts.
the most selfish of the notoriously grounded Earth signs, Capricorns are very self-involved and only have time for others who want to focus on and praise them for their accomplishments and ideas. Focused mostly on social ladder climbing, they prefer their friends and partners to have a high social status. Control is VERY important for your Capricorn. If you can deal with taking the back seat and being the “lesser partner”, your Capricorn should keep you around for a while.Don’t let them fool you, though. Capricorns are notorious for self-deprecating (that’s so you can build up their ego for them). Tell them they have a big dick or a nice ass, they like that.
Contrarily: a Capricorn is a firm and loyal lover. Like the other Earth signs, they like to please their partner. They stick to tried a true methods of romance and change can messy up their ideals.
Aquarius prefer to spiel on about their own logic and objectiveness that they are incredibly quick to judge others who they feel they are superior to (which is everyone). Be mindful to always ask for your Aquarius’s opinion or they’ll hold it against you forever. Aquarius are quick to give advice and love the sharing of intellect. (But, of course, they know more than you do.) Aquarius make good liars. So good, that often times, even when presented with the truth, you still find yourself believing the lie your Aquarius has told. Most likely to play the proverbial emotional games, prepare yourself for some drama, especially when things are calm and seemingly boring to the Aquarius. Aquarius like to fancy themselves as free thinkers and open-minded, but you’ll quickly find they’re not. Tell them they’re smart and that you value their opinion above all else, they really like that.
Contrarily: Aquarius are wild lovers. They research and practice all the ways of romance and love making. If they can please you, that’s a plus one in their ego department. If you ask them if those jeans make your butt look fat - and they actually do - the Aquarius will make sure you believe they don’t!
the most un-grounded of the zodiac, the Pisces is most likely to up and leave with no notice to move to a social commune in the midwest. A Pisces’ “go with the flow” attitude can definitely translate into having no direction. One minute they can fancy themselves a writer, but the next they want to be a lawyer. Most likely to follow trends until their worn, your Pisces is quick to leave your relationship if they don’t feel like you fall into their category of popularity. Pisces are also incredibly gullible. Quite spacey and aloof, picking up on the cues of others is damn near impossible for a Pisces. They simply just don’t care about anyone else if it fails to pertain to their direct desires. They’re quick to ride on others’ success, so if you win Employee of the Month at work, be sure to thank your Pisces.
Contrarily: what seemingly started like a simple dinner and a movie can wind up to you waking up on the beach in Mexico with a bottle of tequila, a pound of weed and about $40,000 of cocaine. Pisces are unafraid to try new things in the romance department and they also thrive on finding a tenth level of consciousness. This can easily translate to exciting experiments.
I started out on the twitterverse with rambling thought. It’s hard to sort through the whirlwind of emotions I’ve had. And the fact that I have a limitless medium at my disposal with Tumblr, I fear it’ll make even less sense.
When I came home, I ran from the catastrophic disaster my marriage was. It’s no secret that my marriage was violent. It was scary, it was dangerous. But, that was never the hardest part. It wasn’t hard to live through abuse; I managed. Having someone you love do that to you seems almost effortless to deal with. When I said that to my mother (who lived through 7 years of infinitely more violent love), she looked puzzled at me, like I was insane. But, after some thought, she said it made sense-thinking back, she felt the same way, too. It’s not the abuse that kills you inside and out, it’s the fact that there was a form of love behind it, however twisted it was. That the good times were so precious, to let them go almost made no sense.
It never made sense to let them go. Even up until a week ago, it didn’t make sense to let go of the late nights star gazing in the middle of one of the woods. To let go of waking up in exactly the same position you fell asleep in, latched to someone who knows you inside and out. It made no sense to give that up. Even if waking up meant yelling, name calling, having your favorite vase you got from your grandparents after they passed thrown at your head. Even knowing that the second you left, there was another woman taking your place. The quiet moments, they were so precious, they were worth it. And I can’t explain why.
I can’t explain why waking away from something perceived as so horrible was so detrimental to me. Why it felt like I was giving up my whole life. But, regardless of how little sense it made, regardless of how right I was in walking away, it sent me into a tailspin. To cope, I drank. At first, it was under complete control. It wasn’t a habit and it wasn’t in excess. It was just enough to keep me occupied. It gave me friends and contacts. It seemed like a cure all. As long as I had these friends, the acceptance and the opportunities, I was okay.
But. It changed. I can’t pinpoint exactly when I took a nosedive into oblivion—maybe when I dated my last boyfriend. Maybe last fall. I can’t say. But, I did. And what use to be one beer and home by midnight, turned into 4 shots of tequila and a myriad of mixed drinks. Which equaled more friends, more acceptance and home at 6am.
Nose dive. Crash landing.
I didn’t have to face anything. I had superficial friends. On the outside, I had it all.
I pushed all my demons aside to fester and take a life form of their own.
And I think I needed you to stroll back into my life to bring to light those demons. So I could officially start to cope and deal with them. A form of closure that I never got in all my running away. It wasn’t suppose to last. It was suppose to be there to teach me my own strength. Teach me that I still have the ability to say no. To moderate drinking. To moderate sex. That I didn’t have to be what other people wanted me to be in order to be cared for, accepted and appreciated. That to be who I wanted to be didn’t have to be mutually exclusive to being drunk or at a bar.
And for whatever reason, I was blessed to find people whose existence paved the way to dealing. To showing me that it’s better to have a handful of quality people, who are mature, loving, making lives for themselves. Indirectly and unknowingly my mentors. People like Megan and Michael. Amber and Ryan. Shawna. Taylor. And yes, I needed to say them by name. Because these people do mean the world to me and nobody will ever understand what their mere existences have given me. It stretches so far beyond just love. It’s stability. It’s assurance. It’s that there are people in this world who are truly positive influences.
Especially Megan and Michael. Holy shit. I don’t know what I’d do without them. They’ve stood by me through all of it. And I know they prefer the me now versus the me then. But, regardless of my falters, they’ve been there. I’ve never had that before. And I think that them being around can contribute most to my desire to get my shit together. Megan… god. I love that girl to no end. She’s not afraid to call me on my bullshit. But, what’s so amazing about her is after she calls me on bullshit, she’s there to help me through it. She’s going to be an excellent therapist some day. And I’m just so blessed to know her.
The past few nights have been the best. Hanging out, playing video games with a small group of people. Not requiring a drink in hand to have conversation. Laughing until tears come out because of some stupid voice in a video game. Or like my birthday weekend at the beach. Where there was no drama. Where it was truly relaxing and enjoyable and a great bonding experience.
The past few months provided me with the faith that being a part of the “in crowd” isn’t necessarily the wisest choice. That widespread popularity has a price. You never move forward. You’re just stuck. Your credibility with decent people quickly diminishes. If your an artist, you can’t move forward. It loses its quality when you have to be drunk during or drunk the night before. And hopes of ever being picked up by a larger scale, respectable record label, studio or financier are shot in the face because you can’t stick to deadlines or can’t do your job without first pregaming with a party, a bottle and a blunt.
And I, of all people, learned that lesson the hard way.
Keeping up appearances in a respectable manner is important. You have to show people that you’re more than just talent. They’ll never let you into their doors if the you and the people you primarily work with are completely useless soberly. Or are content with making fools of themselves for the sake of popularity. I’d much rather get out of this place with dignity, talent, credibility and respectability than to sit and rot, wasting away the gifts I was given.
You have to be serious. You have to show you’re serious with every move you make. And no respectable company or financier will want you on their team or using their money if you can’t do so without a drink or a blunt or a party on standby.
Your passion should be fun. But, it should be fun soberly.
I want to be serious. And I want to get out. And I don’t want the past to hold me back any longer.
I don’t want a boyfriend, I want a partner. I want someone to share my hopes, my fears, my tea, my joys, my random moments, my friends, my passions, my convictions and my bed with.
I want to surround myself with serious people. Driven people. Genuine people. Because, yes, life has its ups and downs. But, you have to pick yourself up and move forward. And that’s easier to do with dedicated people. Serious doesn’t have to be mutually exclusive with stressful or unfun. It means the dedication to your life and your work to making it the best it can be. And I promise you, it’ll be much more fun and gratifying that way.
I wanted you as my partner. You were suppose to be the one by my side. Our lives were beginning. But, you couldn’t give up the drugs or the alcohol or the anger or the other women. There are so many lovely qualities about you, but so many dark ones, too. I know you’ve been through hell your whole life, but that doesn’t mean you have to fall into that cycle. We loved you. *I* loved you. I love you. And it brings me back to why it was so hard to keep you at arms length. Because, the good times… they were treasures. The way you’d wrap your arms around me. The way we held hands when going midnight grocery shopping. The way that everything was so simple and fell into place. Even after our lives went separate ways and somehow crashed right into each other again. It was like nothing changed.
It was like nothing changed.
Even the violence and the guilt gifts didn’t change. The put downs. The accusations.
I don’t want to punish you for something that was conditioned in you. But, that way of love is dangerous. And you have to fix your demons before you can truly love.
It was suppose to be you.
I wear my rings and I answer your calls at 1am because I am connected to you. Even at arm’s length, I’ll always care. And maybe until my life truly moves in a different direction completely, I’ll always be here to help you through your demons. I just can’t love you like you ask of me. Not anymore.
And no matter who ends up as my partner, you will always have a friend and support system in me. I won’t pick up the pieces, but I’ll help you find them.
You were, by and large, my great love. And also my downfall. And as much as I shouldn’t, as much as my loved ones caution me against it, I will never abandon you. Not again.
Love is not any angry thing, but love is also not a spiteful thing. I don’t hate you. I thought I did at first for what you put me through. Most people would hate you. I probably should. But, I can’t. It’s just not in me to hate anyone. Not even the person who abandoned me multiple times, hit me and cheated on me until my head spun, you also loved me. You also helped me to eat. You also helped me to sever ties and showed me my dreams weren’t unrealistic and were totally obtainable.
I don’t know how that’s possible… you could break my spirit completely down and in same breath show me what it means to be alive.
And although I’m not in love with you any longer… and though I know I’ll never be able to have any sort of relationship with you, I’m here. Always.
Love shape shifts and transcends into varying degrees. You don’t have to share a bed with someone to love them. Love evolves at many stages. This is just the newest entity of ours.
But. For my future, for my sanity, for my dreams, for my safety, I had to do it.
I no longer hold onto the years-long wish that you are my end game.
And all at once, I let go of you.
No longer am I that scared little girl. No long am I lost or wounded. No longer do I need a drink and a multitude of lovers to belong.
I need me.
# andrew shapiro
# mint green
# domestic violence
# crazy love
# trigger warning
# spousal abuse
# child abuse
# fight the patriarchy
# ted talks
# ted x
# tedx talks
# ted x talks
# the past
# break up
# broken up
# my ex
# i'm crying
# for real