I didn’t fall for you. 

     I fell into you.

               what a terrible way to get a concussion.

Haven’t been around for a while, I know. I’m sorry. I was always so busy with The Charleston Underground, I just kind of never had time for personal stuff, unlike others involved.

A bit of ranting, or maybe not so much ranting but more like venting, is in order.

It’s been a crazy month. Hell, 2013 has been a crazy year. A crazy, wonderful, chaotic, horrible and just all around interesting year. Loves found, loves lost. All because, I guess being 25 makes you realize that sometimes you just don’t have the energy or time to dedicate to another person. Which is fine, but also lonesome.

As of yesterday, I have officially bowed out of The Charleston Underground. It’s been coming for quite a long time. The past month, I haven’t been as active and most people could tell. As the Charleston Underground had taken a turn to only caring about Jessica’s boyfriend’s open mic night. All other events and things, I covered. I photographed. I searched the internet for events. I mingled. I made flyers. I kept up with bands. I networked. While Jessica and Donnie were busy playing house, I was keeping things alive. I got sick of it. I got sick of doing the work of three people. So, I just stuck to taking photos and videos, and even then, that was scarce. 

I did this as a test, though. I did this to see if Jessica gave a shit enough to pick up slack. This was, actually, the second time I’ve pulled back my duties for CHUG, and both times she let the whole thing go. Then would turn around and bitch as to why we don’t have as many people following or interacting with CHUG. That’s due to her own selfishness. Starting a business, you HAVE to be selfless. Hell, starting ANY new big project, you have to be selfless. You have to dedicate A LOT of time with it. Put some of your personal bullshit on hold. Like boyfriends. There’s going to be a lot of sleepless, long nights and early mornings. You’re going to be stretched thin. But, that’s what you signed up for. That’s what I signed up for, 100%. And for the last two or three months, I was one of the only ones pulling my weight. 

I’m not saying that Charleston Underground can’t or wouldn’t survive without me - although quite a few people, including 2 others who have also jumped ship “before they were taken down in the CHUG flames” have expressed they’ve been waiting since about March to see CHUG implode - I’m just saying that no one will ever be as dedicated and true to a project as I was. Two of us spoke earlier and agreed that we didn’t want our names tied to the negativity and contempt Jessica has so proudly expressed for the people who follow and support CHUG. And that’s exactly what her little personal blog stunt was all about. Her, her, her. Don’t get it twisted. She just recently got a job. Hasn’t worked in months. But, seemingly only had time for CHUG when covering her boyfriend’s open mic night. Which, is inexcusable. Either do it 100% or don’t do it at all. There is no in between with something like this. 

She expected every one of us to do the dirty work and she take all credit for it. And that’s not how a collaborative project goes. You pull your own weight. Sure, some people need a break. I get that. I’ve had to take a few days away to deal with family things. But, don’t think CHUG wasn’t constantly on my mind. 

There’s a lot of inner workings to how things were run that just shouldn’t have been. For instance, picking and choosing what local band or artist to support, while at the same time choosing not to support others because of personal preference. If you’re doing something to represent a whole scene, you simply CANNOT tie in your personal feelings to that. This includes them wanting to start a war with another local open mic host and her swearing up and down she would never attend another show or support a certain local band - who I am friends with. Despite her obvious personal feelings towards these two groups - among others - I still chose to follow them and keep up-to-date with them. After all, they ARE part of the scene. Whether she likes it or not. And she cannot control the scene, no matter how much her ego likes to think she can. 

One former supporter/follower of CHUG, who I’ve never met or even talked to, messaged me about two or three hours ago. They had read my public explanation. They felt like they should offer me congratulations and expressed they weren’t following CHUG since early February. When suddenly the CHUG page was less about Charleston and mostly about Open Mic. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good open mic. I still support it. I will always go and support my friends and artists performing. Especially those who want me to come out to photograph/video them. I hold NO grudges against open mic or the venue where this particular open mic is being held. I do hold negative feelings for Jessica and how CHUG completely lost sight of where it was going. And most people feel like CHUG is seeing its final days. I don’t know if necessarily agree, but we’ll see.

I do know CHUG has lost a lot of respect from people, business and other organizations in and around Charleston for the turn it took. Especially yesterday with airing her personal dirty laundry on the CHUG page. CHUG is not hers. It’s Charleston’s. That’s what we said from the beginning. Her ego took control. She thinks she’s infallible and that now she can do and say whatever she wants on CHUG and get away with it.

I had one person come to me yesterday and say, “Hey. We didn’t ask you guys to start CHUG. You guys did it yourself. We were fine without you. Why are you guys blaming us [artists and musicians] for your lack of sleep?” This took me by surprise. And actually hurt me quite deep. I apologized so deeply. I told him that the things she said were not things I felt. That yeah, I had put in a lot of long hours and often times missed out on good sleep, but this is what I loved and that despite any headache or muscle ache or carpal tunnel, I would NEVER ever blame the artists and musicians of Charleston. Ever. The only person I could blame would be myself for being so dedicated. And even then, I wouldn’t blame myself. I knew up front from the get-go what I was getting into. And I was prepared to tackle it. He thanked me and said he’s relieved to hear that not everyone in The Charleston Underground felt resentment towards them, the artists. The driving force behind the Charleston music and art scene. 

That was that for me. A nearly two-month long deliberation had come to a head. I was done. I absolutely refused to have my name tied with a group that gave off negative vibes and obvious contempt for the ONE thing they were suppose to keep positive and support.

And then I felt a great sense of resentment swell inside of me for Jessica. Why did *I* have to be the one to clean up her mess? Why was *I* the one having smooth things over with people? I shouldn’t have been. She should have been. And then it dawned on me. There’s been several times I’ve come to her with concerns from others who have come to me about. Her direct responses were: “Well if they have a problem with how I run things, tell them to stfu.” “Fuck it, I don’t care.” “Fuck them.” And my personal favorite, “I’m tired of people.”

At one point she said, “I don’t know what’s up with you lately playing the middleman but you need to fucking quit.” I DIDN’T CHOOSE TO BE THE MIDDLEMAN. EVER. People came to me. They know I’m approachable. They know I listen. They know I care. And there was one time that I told one of these people to talk to her and they said straight up, “She ignored me. That’s why I came to you.” Even another person said they didn’t find Jessica as approachable at all. That she constantly look pissed by having to be out anywhere for an event and they straight didn’t want to burden her further.

If you give off the impression that you’re burdened by something, if you give off the impression you don’t like what you do, people aren’t going to be receptive to you. That’s why, no matter where I am or for what event, I try to socialize. Meet the people I represent. Talk to them. Get close with them. Buy them a drink. Take a shot with him. Give them a hug goodbye. Give them my personal number. I’m there to represent and support these people and what they do. Although, I’m not directly one of them, I *am* a part of them. Jessica doesn’t want that. She wants them to come to her and other people do the work while she reaps the benefits and rewards and, for lack of a better term, fame.

In this business of arts, music and entertainment, you HAVE to put in face time. Everywhere. It’s not just as simple as wearing a shirt with The Charleston Underground on it, or a “press badge”. You’ve gotta get out there and actually BE a part of the scene before you can be IN the scene. And I’ve been putting face time in the scene since before I moved to Virginia. In fact, on and off since I turned 21 and could get into the venues legally. And I know there’s people that have been putting in face time for 10 or more years. And it’s what you’ve gotta do. 

At any rate, give a person like that the rope, and they’ll hang themselves. 

With all my time being consumed with CHUG, I really haven’t had time to focus on my personal life. A bunch of other failed relationships because they felt like they weren’t important to me. Which, after the fact, they know wasn’t true. But, I understand their frustrations.

But, I suppose with the end of my time with CHUG, brings chances for me to take a step back and focus on me. Get some things in my life in order. And then it’s onto another the next endeavors a few of us have already in the works. 

But, for the next week or two. I’m going to focus on me. Sorting through some stuff and get back on track with my own thing. I think I may even take Haven (my car) and drive up to Pittsburgh for a weekend and just get away. Clear my head. When I went to Wheeling with MG, it was such a breath of fresh air. Seeing a new place. Meeting new people. Charleston will always be my home and my heart. But, I do have a wanderlust. And it needs to be seen to. Especially before I begin a new project. I gotta go in with a fresh pair of eyes and a clean heart. And it will be done. 

At any rate, I’ve been rambling on. It was needed. We’ll see where things go. I have high hopes for the future and I’m stoked to see what happens.

By this time last year I had already visited:

Pearl Harbor/Honolulu, Hawaii
Los Angeles, California
Virginia Beach/Norfolk, Virginia
Williamsburg, Virginia
Athens, Ohio
Chicago, Illinois
Cincinnati, Ohio
Columbus, Ohio
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

What am I doing? The only place I’ve been in 2013 is Columbus. Get me out of here.

http://astro.cafeastrology.com/cgi-bin/astro/natal

I’ve been reading up a little bit more lately on Astrology. Two of my good friends are big into it and swear by it. Although I personally don’t put a lot of weight into it - and never had - I read my natal chart and let me just say, a good bit of it is spooky accurate. So, I’m going to copy and paste all the spooky accurate things here. Because. Why not?

• “Virgo’s symbol, the Virgin, shows itself in the lives of Virgos through a love of all that is “natural” and a certain purity of spirit that keeps Virgos self-sufficient and self-contained, at least on the surface. Virgos are sensitive to their surroundings, and they tend to embarrass easily. They are generally reticent when faced with anything or anyone new. However, once they feel comfortable, they can talk up a storm. “

Not much more I could say about this. Purity and natural stuff makes me feel clean.

• “In fact, Virgos are often self-effacing and shy. They’ll brush off your compliments quickly and, sometimes, critically; but don’t let that fool you. They need your respect and appreciation. In fact, the happiest Virgos are the ones who feel appreciated and useful. Add plenty of worthwhile projects to keep them busy, and Virgos can be some of the sweetest, kindest people around.”

I’m horrible at taking compliments. I always have been. But, nothing beats feeling appreciated.

 

• “You are proud of your fun-loving attitude towards life. As you demonstrate your ability to shine, avoid grabbing center stage all of the time. Your happy disposition is enough to get noticed, but do find creative ways to express yourself, as this is the path to true happiness for you.”

I’m very happy that I have such a good attitude towards life. Most people take it so seriously. It’s life. You only get one.

• “Venus is a peace-making, harmony-loving planet, and those with Sun conjunct Venus do their best to seek peace and harmony. You are diplomatic and a veritable expert at smoothing over (and sometimes glossing over) problems. You are openhanded with others, tolerant and accepting.”

I’m always a mediator. It’s a whole thing. People come to me to solve squabbles. It gets tiresome sometimes.

• “You are not the type of person who overtly pursues people who appear to be indifferent to you. You are not competitive in the aggressive sense of the word, and you are not someone who loves a good chase. Instead, you work your charms and draw people to you. Your ability to attract others (Venus) is very much tied up with your ego (Sun). Because Venus rules all things feminine, both sexes with this aspect tend to be quite attractive. “

I hate people who seem indifferent to me. It’s confusing. The only thing I don’t agree with is that I do love the beginning chase. So long as I know the outcome will be what I want. I’m playful. And yep. I’m bisexual, so. Nailed that one.

• “You are enterprising and have powerful stores of energy that you can draw upon when needed. You respond to problems or challenges with a spirited and enthusiastic confidence that is admirable. You are naturally competitive, and this trait is generally well-received by others simply because it is unforced, unaffected, and sincere. You truly believe in fair play, and you seem to be in love with life. “

• “You faced a fair number of challenges in your life, especially in the first half of life, in which your attempts to express your will were often thwarted. There can be a persistent feeling that you don’t get what they want in comparison to others. You can feel unlucky at times. Attempts to control your environment, and sometimes others, may be frequent. “

Yep. Control control control. I need it always. If I don’t have control, that’s when I start to self destruct or get into trouble.

• “You take failures and minor setbacks to heart, and may even practically beat yourself up over them. Self-awareness to the point of real self-consciousness is a possibility. The truth is, nobody holds a microscope over you, except for yourself. A little setback or a faux pas needn’t be analyzed to death. Fingers needn’t be pointed. No, you didn’t make a spectacle of yourself when you made a mistake. You need to stop worrying about always being right, or appearing suave and accomplished. When you ease the pressure you put on yourself, you find that you don’t face as many brick walls.”

I always take every minor failure to heart. It’s a major event when I fail and I cannot stand it. I know I need to lighten up sometimes, but honestly, I just can’t stand to fail. 

• “You have a sarcastic sense of humor, a keen intelligence, and the ability to apply caution and strategy. The vitality may suffer, and troubles with the bones, teeth, and circulation may surface, especially at times of stress in your life.”

I don’t know how many times I’ve been told my sense of humor is very dry and sarcastic and most times people can’t tell when I’m joking or being serious. Ooops.

• “It is easy and natural for you to be received well by others. There is a distinct air of authority and magnanimity surrounding you. The authority you project generally doesn’t offend others, generally because sincerity is sensed at the same time. Most people would describe you as natural, easy to like, and friendly.”

I know a lot of people. I like to mingle. People like to mingle with me. It’s a thing.

• “Lunar Pisceans are known to be dreamy and not always in touch with reality. However, though these people may not always show real-world savvy in day-to-day, practical affairs, they make up for this with remarkable intuition. They can put themselves in anybody’s shoes with extreme ease. On the plus side, this endows them with remarkable compassion and love. The down side with this apparent ability to break down boundaries is that these people can easily lose themselves in the suffering of others. Their sense of humor is delightfully silly and a bit odd. These are perceptive souls who seem to be in touch with all the nuances and subtleties of human nature.”

Yep. I’m really good at empathy.

• “Without plenty of space and time to daydream, Pisces Moons easily get overloaded with life. Give them room to be alone with themselves, and they’re generally able to take on the world—even if their style when they do so is not always conventional or understandable. Generally considered soft-hearted and sweet, Lunar Pisceans care about others and are easily touched by human suffering. This tendency gains them the reputation as suckers for sob stories. “

Nailed it. 

• “In personal relationships, Lunar Pisceans are giving and yielding. They are generally open on a sexual level, in a quiet way. Their fantasies can be far-reaching, intricate, and rich with emotion. Love is closely tied in with their sexuality. Most Lunar Pisceans are shy; they need a trustworthy lover to bring them out.”

Also. Nailed it. 

• “Since the Moon represents our instinctive nature, Moon in Pisces seems to know how things feel without actual experience. For example, they may have never had sex, but seem to know all about it — even, or especially, the subtleties of it. The ones that aren’t too shy make awesome actors and actresses. This ability to empathize even in the absence of experience gives them an open mind and heart. Most long to express this through writing, music (both listening and making), poetry, and art — in fact, the happiest people with this position do just that.”

• “Solitude is important to them, but they also need people, so their retreats will usually be short-lived. Pisces Moon individuals believe; and, let’s face it, the world needs Piscean leaps of faith.”

• “Imaginative, sharp insights. She is impressionable, with an abundant imagination. Gentle, warm, humorous, artistic. Weaknesses: troubles caused by too much sentimentality, worries, problems, unhealthy imagination, nervousness.”

Way too true.

• “Lots of friends, relationships. She makes friends easily and uses her relationships to further professional success. Feelings of friendship are sometimes superficial.”

• “You can be precocious, animated, and passionate. You seek emotional excitement in your life. Although you often project a brave and tough image, your skin isn’t as thick as you’d have others believe. You tend to put up defenses due to your emotionally vulnerable.”

I cannot stress how true this is. I come off like I have the toughest skin and that nothing gets to me. But, on the inside I’m slowly crumbling and it kills me. Usually when I say, “I don’t care,” you should read “I really, really care a whole lot and this is destroying me.” But, saying the former is much easier than the latter. I feel it all.

• “Patience is definitely not your strong point! Your responses are quick, and your are a passionate person who is usually quite courageous although your energy is sporadic and sometimes wasted. You are sexually responsive.”

Aaaaahahhaha. I have negative patience. 

• “She is kind and sympathetic, with a strongly compassionate nature. When in love, she is usually very devoted. In fact, she is devoted by nature, not only in matters of the heart.”

I’m very devoted to people I care about. Always have been. You could trample on me a million times; I’d still probably be devoted to you.

• “There is an unmistakably compassionate and understanding side to her nature. She has a natural affinity to music. While everyone enjoys music, people with Moon in harmonious aspect to Neptune respond to music as a vehicle to heal, relax, and to uplift the soul. “

Oh, god. This was slightly freaky. Music is my world. I cannot function without a playlist narrating my mood and my thoughts. Driving. Cleaning. Cooking. Sleeping. Thinking. Playing. Reading. I have music on AT ALL TIMES.

• “Strong and sudden “feelings” and hunches can overcome her. More often than not, her intuition is correct, although her imagination is also powerful and she can read too much into a situation as a result.”

I hate my intuition. It’s almost always, 100% of the time right. And when it’s not, I act so accordingly to my hunches and intuition that I often cut my nose of to spite my own face and screw things up anyway.

• “She may have been labeled “shy” in youth, and family members or friends may have jumped in to “save” her from situations that required boldness or aggressiveness. Thus, passivity was accepted and, as adults, she may be less experienced than most when it comes to reaching out or going after what she wants. “

I’m halfway to 26-years-old and now I’ve just started learning how to take up for myself and fighting my own battles.  My friends have always stepped in on my behalf. Ugh. Needy.

• “She wavers between a rich and successful domestic life and social success. She has difficulty in succeeding in both. Very perceptive and given to psychoanalyzing people. A strategist. Powerful emotions and intense feelings.”

Yeppppppppppppppp.

• “She spends a lot of time on practical matters and keeping things in order. Sometimes nitpicky and nervous, secretly feeling she handles matters better than others. “

Absolutely. Oh, definitely.

• “You are a person who thinks of all the details that others forget. Your mind is almost always turned “on” which can make you a little nervous. You are excellent at sorting things out, organizing, and making lists and associations.”

This is what causes my insomnia. My brain never shuts off. Ever.

• “They are quite sensitive in love — even insecure — and this reserved, loner-like quality is part of their appeal. They prefer to play it safe in their relationships, and they need to be confident that you like them before they make a move.”

I’m not “very insecure”, but I am pretty insecure. I need reassurance and I need it quite often. I don’t like having to take the relationship lead, either.

• “Avoid pushing your friends or family on them too fast — remember they are a little shy. They aim to please, and are easily intimidated by your experiences. Let them know how much you value them, and they will reward you with devotion and a charming willingness to talk things out.”

• “She is very devoted, does not show emotions: she and doesn’t always let herself go, either through fear of ridicule or through fear of not being loved in return as much as she loves. She is therefore sometimes too undemonstrative. May give off the sense that her love is not for free. Caring but worries that she is not exciting enough. Careful with money.”

This has been a common complaint in friendships, my family and my relationships. I suck at showing emotion. To me… it’s weak. It’s hard to open up my big bag of batshit crazy to other people. And I constantly feel like I love others more than they’ll ever love me. Often times, I’m very, very right.

• “She wants to succeed in love-life. She meets pleasant people and has very good friends, usually without too much conflict. She likes amusements, parties. “

• “Playful, sensual, and amorous, you are in love with love! You thrive on romantic attention, and it is easy and natural for you to always have a crush or romantic interest. There is a romantic, playful side to you that is unmistakable. It keeps you young at heart!”

I love love. I absolutely love it. I love the notion of it. I love the security of it. I love knowing I have someone. Which often times leads me to see my relationships as something more than what they are. 

• “You enjoy surrounding yourself with beautiful art and music, and these may play a role in your ideal date scenario. There is a touch of the dramatic in you when it comes to love and sex. You are generally quite loyal to your partner, and you are both charming and easily charmed. It’s also easy to turn your head. You are a warm, fun and playful date.”

• “She is amorous, not a peaceful and calm lover but a passionate one with a strong temperament. She is demonstrative in love, and likes healthy pleasures. She enjoys life to the full.”

I love passion. I’m a very passionate person. I feel too much. But, often times, I wait until it’s too late to show that feel so much.

 

• “This aspect sometimes means unhealthy sensuality. She is hard, and does not know how to express her emotions. She is frightened of showing her love, and this leads to disappointments, break-ups, lack of satisfaction. It is likely that she had problems with her mother, who did not know how to love her or give her self-confidence. She doubts, is suspicious and jealous. She will learn how to be happy in love, to be at ease with herself and to control her jealousy in the second half of her life, thanks to an older person, who gives her self-confidence back to her, so she can then trust others.”

Yepppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp. This is one thing that really freaked me out. My mother never did really show a lot of love to me as a child. I was always tossed on the back burner a lot of times. And when my mother did show me attention, it was usually negative attention. Still is most of the time.

• “She looks for new sensations in love and is often unsatisfied by affairs which quickly turn into purely conventional relationships. She likes novelty, adventure, the eccentric: she is frivolous, unstable, unfaithful. Marriage is not for her and, if she does throw herself into this adventure, it will end in divorce, written off as a youthful mistake. As a result of her numerous love affairs, she makes sure her line is continued.”

This is also very freaky. Seeing as my marriage lasted a year before I bailed. And seeing as I wish I hadn’t gotten married. And seeing as how I’ll probably never allow myself to get married again.

• “She likes everything beautiful, the Arts, balance and harmony. She is amiable and sociable. She likes entertainment and has a loving nature.”

• “She has good taste, has an affectionate nature, her love is warm and deep, based on intellectual understanding and common tastes. Her friends are useful in furthering her career.”

• “These productive and busy people are goal-oriented, practical people. Although they can be a little scattered at times, simply because they are doing so many things at any give time, Mars in Virgo natives get things done—quite well! They have a knack for handling a wide variety of tasks at once, and a tendency to take on perhaps too much at the same time.”

• “An earthy and sometimes nervous sexuality generally characterizes people with this position of Mars. In a sense, their performance in bed is similar to their work. These people want to be good at what they do. They will generally be open to experimentation, if only to feed their curiosity and to feel savvy. “

• ” A great worker, she likes everything that can be done quickly, and detests things that hang around for a long time. It is the same for her emotional life: no candy-floss or fine speeches, she gets directly to the point.”

• “You have a strong love of pleasure, and you tend to directly and perhaps impulsively pursue romance. Many of you are sports lovers, and anything with an element of risk appeals to you or entertains you. “

• “She is only interested in doing something if there are problems attached: once these are solved, she goes on to something else which has complications. She likes to overcome obstacles, is tough, does not have too many feelings, especially in business.”

• “Her feelings are dominated by wisdom and geared towards the ideal. She likes water, sea voyages. She likes odd people.”

I am absolutely in love with odd people. And sea voyages… I love to travel. My exhusband was in the Navy. My exboyfriend is in the Navy. My brother is in the Navy. My dad was in the Navy. My grandfather was in the Navy. I have the sea in my blood.

• “She is ambitious, has a great capacity for work, has self-confidence and goes to the end of her plans.”

My dreams are so big they should probably kill me. 

• “She attracts the most good fortune when she takes the lead, initiates, inspires, and demonstrates enthusiasm and courage. Believes in the power of positivity, that life is what you make of it. Loves competition, doing things independently. “

• “She is kindly, and does charity work. She is protected from life’s rigors to which she is not immune, but she knows how to cope. She likes working in peace and alone.”

• “She knows what’s going on at a glance. She thirsts after knowledge, and is a good organizer. She is very independent, likes her freedom of action, is a non-conformist. She is very agreeable company and is always in demand.”

• “She is very generous and altruistic, helping people in difficulty or sick people. She knows how to listen or, at least, how to give that impression. She is a dreamer, with lots of imagination: she likes the Arts.”

• “She is rarely satisfied with her achievements unless they are big. She is an opportunist.”

 

• “Financially not very well off, average salary. The spouse is also not rich. Possibility of a small inheritance, which helps a lot. Long life and natural death, if the aspects allow.”

I’m actually in the process of working through the legalities of a small inheritance. Odd this comes up a lot in my birth chart.

• “She is interested in antiquity, archaeology, history. Her financial situation has its highs and lows, which an inheritance can help out.”

• “Interest in art, has high ideals and a great attraction to exotic ideas and to the sea. Big dreams.”

• “She has strange relationships. She is easily influenced, very sensitive and emotional.”

Yessss. I always have strange relationships. 

• “Great sexual activity.”

Hah. No joke.

• “Slow, steady, and capable are adjectives that we can safely attach to individuals born with a Taurus Ascendant. These natives have tremendous stamina and staying power. They’re often quite loyal to those they care about. Although they generally don’t come on strong, they have personal presence.”

• “These are highly sensual people who prefer the comforts that a one-to-one, stable partnership offers. Although Taurus rising individuals value harmony and calm, their partnerships may be on the passionate side. Taurus rising natives are often very comforting to be around.”

• “She is by nature calm, affectionate, delicate and tender. Values peace and calm in the home. Is nostalgic and collects things of sentimental value.”

• “Can only love an honest, upright and intelligent person. Likes to admire her spouse. A sincere, stable and faithful love. Refined education.”

Very true. The second I think you’re being dishonest with me, I freak and I’m usually one foot out of the door.

• “Likes to re-make the world with her friends. These discussions can last the whole night and, with the ideal world created, she can retire to bed.”

I often wonder where my artistic side comes from. I’ve ALWAYS been interested in the arts. Everything arts. Even as a little girl. I asked Santa for my first camera when I was 3-years-old. I danced ballet for 13 years. I’ve been playing flute since I was 11. Piccolo since I was 13. I acted for a few years. I’m in love with music. Can’t live without it.

But, I wonder… where does that come from? My mother was never particularly artsy. My dad was a sailor and then a math teacher. My mom’s day worked at the electric company. My grandmother did play piano. My aunt is a social worker. My uncle is a civil engineer. I’m not 100% sure about my dad’s side, but I know none of my brothers are particularly artsy. Neither is my sister. 

So where did this undying passion for all things arts come from?

So, I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m a “feminist”. Maybe some more conservative folks would consider me that, but I like to consider myself a Duh-It’s-2013-Let’s-Get-Real-ist. 

 

Certain things just should be obvious. Like equal rights for all. The notion of gender today is completely moot. We’re all humans, we all deserve an equal chance. I stand up for the rights of all - black, white, gay, lesbian, trans, female, male, disabled, elderly, newborn, military, civilian, animal or vegetable.

 

That being said, I feel like I must comment on what’s being going on in the world of abortion lately:

 

Arkansas recently passed one of the most stringent and asinine abortion laws in the US today. It is barring abortions at and after the 12 weeks mark. While some may argue that this is a fair ruling due to fetal development, I say it’s bullshit. Most women don’t discover they’re pregnant until 8 weeks or beyond. Let’s not forget that the abortion process can take a few weeks, what with discovery, confirmation, screenings, pre-abortion counseling (required in a lot states) and a mandatory wait period (also required by a lot of states) to ensure “you’re making the right decision”. 

 

Let’s back up a bit for a second: Roe vs Wade. Anyone who has taken sophomore or junior year American History knows Roe vs Wade. If you’re a woman, you should inherently know at least the general consensus of Roe vs Wade. One of the most prominent parts of Roe vs Wade is not only that abortion is legal and a woman’s right to choose, but it invalidates all states’ limitations on a woman’s ability to get an abortion in the first trimester. The first trimester ends at the end of week 13 of pregnancy. So, this ruling by Arkansas directly violates Roe vs Wade. 

 

I’m all for women getting abortions if that’s what they choose to be the right decision. “Late term” abortions, I feel like should be saved for true crises, IE the pregnancy risks the health of the child or the mother. But, at the end of the day, that should not be illegal either. It’s a case-by-case issue in my mind. Abortion is not birth control, but sometimes it’s a necessary thing. I respect and support that.

 

A big fuck you, Arkansas. No, I’m not shocked that something like this is coming from the south. But, I feel like we, as a country, keep making these giant leaps backwards in social liberties and freedoms. Which is terrifying to me because my generation is one of the most aware and outspoken (although, we’re kind of lazy about it. Thank you, internet).

 

Meanwhile, in Idaho. A real big win for women rights: A federal judge struck down Idaho’s Fetal Pain Abortion Law. This law has come from politicians sticking their nose in a woman’s reproductive rights, stating that a fetus can begin to feel pain around the 20 weeks mark. What brought this case about was a woman was arrested for having an at-home abortion around the 6 months mark by having her sister help her find abortion-inducing drugs online. She did this because she already had 3 kids, worked a minimum wage job, bringing in about $250 a week for her family and simply could not afford to travel to Salt Lake City and afford an abortion. Although I don’t think her methods were correct and she should’ve attempted to get an abortion much earlier in her pregnancy, I respect her emotions and decision and support her because I don’t know the full story. Everyone has their reasons, it doesn’t effect me and mine, so let her do what she wants with her body. 

 

So a big hats off to Idaho and this federal judge. You go, Idaho. You progress into the 21st century.

 

At the end of the day, if it doesn’t directly effect you or your life, keep your nose out of other people’s business. Especially a woman’s reproductive organs.

Sometimes Charleston is a total bummer. I always feel like an asshole for dragging around my camera everywhere I go. People stop and stare like, “who is this chick? Why is she in a book store taking photos?” So, most times I opt to leave my camera at home anymore. Most people are completely content with just being in the moment and accepting it as a fleeting memory that’s already happened. That’s not how I operate. I want to document everything. I want every moment to be infinite. To live on and on even after it has happened. And every moment is a part of the past. I want the little moments to take on a God-like magnitude of significance. Even when I’m not behind my lens, I see everything in snapshots. How it would look behind my lens. 

 

People here just seem so afraid to be caught being who they actually are. They’re afraid that someone might see that photo and simply figure them out. I don’t see why that’s so terrifying to people in my little city. You’re all so freakishly beautiful and I want to capture you. Being you. 

 

People in larger cities. They don’t care. I’m ready to be in a bigger city where I can just grab my camera and be that jerk on the sidewalk taking photos without people taking it so personally. Where being caught at being yourself really isn’t a big deal. I want to be able to wake up and grab my camera as second habit and start my day. Anywhere but here. Pittsburgh. Chicago. Columbus. Seattle. I still hate myself everyday for having never took my camera to Honolulu and Chicago and LA. 

 

I want to know that when I’m 80 and I wake up next to a stranger and can’t remember my own name, I can look at these photos and think, “wow. I really was alive at one point.” That’s all presuming that I make it until I’m 80.

It’s constantly running through my head what I’m holding out for. Maybe if I organize it all out in writing, it’ll leave my head and I can think of something else.

 

First and foremost, I need someone who likes being together. Not all of the time, but time spent together is a must. When I’m with someone, independence is good, I like it. But, you’re not as likely to see me out at a bar without my mate. Will I drag my mate along for “ladies night”? No. But a singular female out at a drinking establishment always means unwanted attention. And fuck that.

 

As much as I hate to admit it, I like cohabitation. It’s usually a pretty quick step for me. Not because I must be around my partner at all times, but because when I’m sure of something, I like being content. There’s a comfort in being able to come home to someone and not have to worry. Come home from work at 10pm, throw on my comfiest PJs, my hair in a bun, turn on the TV, throw some food in the oven, pile up on the couch and hangout. Watch the 11pm news. Talk about our days. Drink some tea or coffee. Shoot some shit on whatever video game has captured our attention. He’ll go to bed. I’ll clean up. And retire shortly thereafter. I like cohabitation. It’s the daily humdrum that makes me feel secure and safe. It’s almost as satisfying to me as the chase in the beginning. 

 

That being said. The Chase. I like it. In the beginning. For a while. I like knowing that I worked for something good. Yes, the innocence of it all is delightful. But, The Chase shouldn’t last longer than a few weeks. Then I get bored and feel like they’re forcing me to work harder than should be necessary.

 

They have to care. Not just about me and themselves. But, about what goes on around them. And not just in their immediate vicinity. All around the world. I like people who use their brains. Who know things. Who have an honest opinion and aren’t afraid to share it. To me, sharing your opinions is one of the best ways to be vulnerable. Our ideas don’t have to match, but they have to be true to you. 

 

Adventure. Staying inside and being content is wonderful. But, being content elsewhere is also wonderful. Even if it’s just a trip to the park to play with the pups. It could be to the forest to swing or hike or bike ride. It could be to the beach to lay in the sand. Or it could be to some wonderful city just to see the lights. I have an incredible wanderlust. It’s always ticking inside of me. I have to adventure.

 

Creativity and art. A couple who are creative together, stay together. Or at least, I think that. Let’s make things together! A table, a chair, a headboard to our bed. Let’s create something that is ours. Making your own things have so much more meaning. It brings about togetherness. And that’s the god damned loveliest thing.

 

Someone who supports my passion for photography. It is my whole world. I want to go to art school. My idea school is SAIC in Chicago. But, I feel like that possibility is going to have to be a transfer from another art school. Probably Ai in Pittsburgh. That’s a little more of a ground goal. But, I have to take photos. Let me take your photo. My heart will swell with love for you. Follow me to art school. Support me. Root me on. I’ll do the same for you, I promise. I’m the most loyal and supportive of my partner’s dreams and ambitions.

 

I’ve never been, and probably never will be, a “dinner and a movie” kind of girl. Going to the movies to me is just… a waste. On average I’ll go to 2 or 3 major movie events per year. And that’s about it. And I always sneak in my drinks and food. (Come on, sneaking in sushi is much better than stale popcorn!) Want to be romantic with me? Let’s go to the park at midnight and enjoy the wind. Let’s go camping and have a good romp by the campfire. Picnics! Eeep!

 

Gifts… meh. I’m not one for them. Sure, they’re sweet on birthdays and Christmas. But, random gifts sometimes annoy me. Unless it’s something really fucking cool like a vintage camera in awesome condition that you picked up at the flea market for $7. Then I’ll swell with appreciation.

 

Trying new things. Yes, yes, yes! It can be anywhere from trying a new toilet paper to skydiving. And yes, I still want to skydive. Badly. I like to experiment in the kitchen, too. Some of it might suck. Some of it might be awesome. Experiment with me! And yes, hallucinogens are cool in my book. Let’s do them and see where they take us. Hopefully to wonderfully naked places.

 

Pets. I love pets. Maybe not so much cats. But, dogs are awesome. And I want a hedgehog. Like. Bad.

 

Music. Music is a must. My house must be filled with music at almost all times. I can’t function without music. Our tastes don’t have to be similar. Show me new stuff. I’ll show you new stuff. Country is out, though. No thanks on that.

 

Physicality is really important to me. I like sex. I show my affection through sex. I like bonding through sex. I think it’s a completely raw emotion and something you share with someone special. Let’s have sex. A lot.

 

Friends are important to me. I’m always showing them how much I care. Let’s have friends over for wine, dinner and video games. Let’s grill out in the summer. Let’s orchestrate a big nerf gun battle with our friends. Let’s appreciate their company.

 

I don’t like shopping unless I absolutely have to. Don’t take me shopping.

 

Let’s play video games together. Let’s sit outside for midnight releases. Let’s get pumped over new game trailers. Come on. Let’s do it.

 

I swear I’ll find someone. Eventually. It’s taken me quite some time to heal after my last breakup. And once I healed, I needed to be on my own. Just to say I did it. But, now - I think - I’m ready. I’m open to it. 

My problem is I’m such a natural flirt. I’ve somehow gotten quite a few people convinced something is gonna happen between us. When… it’s not. I’m just drunk and lovable. 

I need to find someone who tickles my senses. Ignites my mind. Explodes my heart. Someone to travel around with. Follow me to whichever city I choose to go to art school in. Which is down to Chicago or Pittsburgh. But, I’m just starting to realize Chicago might be entirely too expensive at this point. Ah, well.

I want someone to play video games with while drinking cheap beer. To cuddle. To wake up with and drink coffee with before going out the door on our separate daily journeys. Someone to come home to and just ask, “how was your day?” Go one walks with. Be artistic with. 

Adventure.

Someone who gets my dry sarcasm. And knows that even though I may not always outwardly show it, I will love them unconditionally and without flaw, no matter what they do to me. I can absorb it all.

Someone who realizes I often never mean what I say when I’m angry or hurt. Someone who sees through it all and can just say, “Renae. Your crazy is showing.”

Someone to give me boundaries and set the rules. Someone spineless won’t do. I’ll walk all over them and make a game out of it. I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again. I need someone to not necessarily CONTROL me, but to expect I respect what they want. Meh.

To lay around in my underwear with. To cook with and for. To make me laugh uncontrollably. To sing stupid songs for me. To be so alive with passion, but completely content with being calm and together.

Someone who doesn’t care if I take their pictures with my DSLR. Someone so out of this world, they almost seem normal. 

Someone who knows that my marriage failed and loves me for the fact that I don’t foresee myself wanting to jump into another marriage for a long time - if ever. Not because I don’t love them, but because the legal ties are so ridiculous. Someone who knows that no matter what, I love them and only them. 

Morning sex. Backrubs. Big cities. Small towns. Endless forests. Coffee. Love.

Girl ranting. It’s fun.