# outfit of the day
# what I wore
# fucking hipster
# turn up
# 50 shades of grey
I honestly CANNOT stand liars. The quickest way to make me turn into some evil shebeast and lay all your shit bare is to lie to me, about me, or about someone I care about.
How fucking DARE YOU use me to get caught cheating on your girlfriend to play some psychologically manipulative game to make her jealous. How fucking dare you lie to me and cause ME to get caught up in something that I told you FROM THE VERY FUCKING BEGINNING I WASN’T GOING TO GET CAUGHT UP IN. And lastly, you made your goddamn bed, have the fucking balls to face it and answer me when I text you, laying it all fucking out for you. Fucking pussy. If you cannot handle being burned? Don’t fucking TRY TO START GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKER FIRES.
What’s EVEN MORE FUCKED UP IS MY BEST FRIEND HEARD ABOUT IT FROM SOMEONE THAT ISN’T ME. THAT ISN’T DIRECTLY INVOLVED. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID? Complete fucking STRANGERS now think I’m some sort of deliberate homewrecker because YOU CAN’T TELL THE TRUTH.
You manipulative, egotistical, little Sagittarius fucking coward shit. You better hope to god I don’t run into you out, because I will have A LOT to say, and not one little bit is going to be nice.
Yes, I’m fucking furious. I wasn’t at first, but now I’m ready to throw something.
If you have a fucking girlfriend, don’t go around kissing other girls when she’s not around. Don’t LIE TO THEM AND TALK SHIT ABOUT YOUR SUPPOSED EX GIRLFRIEND TO MAKE THEM FEEL SYMPATHY FOR YOU TO MANIPULATE THEM TO COME HOME WITH YOU. And DO NOT fucking beg them so much to have sex with you, that they feel actually guilty for not.
GOD FUCKING DAMN IT I’M MAD AS FUCK.
I just hope she knows that I *am* sorry. It was NEVER my intention to hurt her. That I asked him several times and he swore that she was out of the picture and wasn’t ever going to be in it again. I shouldn’t have trusted his word. I should have erred on the side of caution. That I had no feelings for him. That it was just about not being alone for me. Trying to forget someone else. I hope she is happy, but I wouldn’t suggest ever trusting him again. If it were me, I wouldn’t even stay with him. But, it’s not me. And the heart can’t help what it feels… I should know.
Just…be careful. You deserve so much better.
It’s weird, you know, that for every relationship that I’ve been truly invested in, I have a song that represents that relationship. Like, it can be two days or two years after the relationship has ended and I can listen to that song and instantly be taken back to what I felt then.
# little girls
# eating disorders
# eating disorder not otherwise specified
# the empty glass
# red to blonde
# strawberry blonde
# long hair
# super long hair
# leggings as pants
# such a hipster
I’ve just been pushed so far over the edge, there’s no coming back. I’m so sick of people and sick of everything and just sick and tired. I’ve been sick for basically a month straight and I want to scream at everyone.
I hate everyone.
I hate everything.
I hate you.
I hate her.
I hate him.
I hate me.
I hate my selfish family.
I hate social pretenses.
I hate it all.
# natal chart
# birth chart
# earth signs
# virgo sun
# pisces moon
# taurus rising
So basically, Halloween was a complete success and also a stupid night.
I mean, I had fun going out. I had fun drinking and not being trapped in my head for once, but meh.
I’m glad I was smart and slept on the couch at my friend’s. He’s a good friend and I’ve known him for years, but it’s just best that nothing happened. He tried, boy did he try, but I just didn’t. And I’m glad. That would just complicate things in my life more and I can’t have that.
I’m just really incredibly proud of myself. I’m really proud that I didn’t pull some stupid shit and sleep with someone because I’m running away or dealing with something or whatever. That type of behavior has gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past. Especially when I’m drunk.
I don’t want to ruin another friendship because I’m lonely and drunk. It’s not fair. Even though I know he could handle me inevitably ending our friendship because it crossed some lines, I don’t want that. No sense in ruining a perfectly good friendship. And that’s something I’ve never had the forethought about in the past. I’m glad I’ve got now. Phew.
I always choose the most inevitable situations with a very short expiration date. And maybe I subconsciously choose it that way. Nobody has to be left accountable. Nobody is the villain.
I’ve fallen into this role of second choice so rapidly.
But, it’s okay. I latch onto the moments when I’m placed first. It feels good, even if it is cheap and false. You’ll be mine for 48 hours. And you’ll love me for 48 hours. I’ll mean something to someone for 48 glorious hours. And then I’ll come home.
Go on with life as usual.
# sexual liberation
# slut shaming
I often wonder how many people other people think I’ve slept with. Mostly cause a guy once said I slept with 30 people and I laughed so hard I almost peed because it’s nowhere close to that (although, I kind of wish it were because THE KNOWLEDGE OH MAN. THINK OF HOW MANY TRICKS I WOULD I KNOW OH MAN).
And then I realize it doesn’t matter what other people think or the number of people I’ve slept with.
But, then I think of how awesome of a social experiment it would be. If my flirty persona of being sexually liberated causes people to thinking I have an astonishing number of partners…
People are interesting to me. They make better guinea pigs than friends sometimes.
# dating in your 20s
# in your 20s
# fuck my life
# forever alone
one thing I’ve noticed at the wonderful fucking age of 26 is that even though I’m in my mid-twenties, dating and relationships are basically the same as they were when I was in high school.
girls are still dumb and choose the guy that treats them like dirt.
dudes still play games and exploit girls’ feelings for them.
In short, finding a mature relationship in your twenties is impossible and I’m forever going to be committed to coffee.
and people wonder why I don’t commit and usually bail after a month or two or am so secretive about who I’m “talking to” or whatever…sigh.